For some, the idea of giving up complete control of your body’s most intimate parts is the ultimate fantasy. For others, holding that control over someone else’s body is the height of eroticism. If you’re in either camp, chastity just might be for you. Chastity is a kink that involves using a physical device or dom/sub dynamic to practise sexual denial and restraint. The most common device used is a chastity cage, but others use chastity belts; there are also micro cages and flat cages, as well as cages that include urethral inserts for sounding.
These devices are used mainly to prevent erections and masturbation—and, when done with a keyholder, to create a power dynamic. Many cage wearers also love the physical and emotional feeling of being caged. Some people cage for hours at a time, others for days or weeks.
With its specialized equipment and the potential to become a large part of your daily life, chastity can seem intimidating as a kink to get into. But once you know the proper way to fit a chastity device, how to safely partake in this kink and how to communicate with your keyholder about aftercare, goals and motivations, it can be a great way to improve your sex life, grow closer with a partner and learn more about yourself.
If you’ve ever thought about chastity, or if reading this has sparked an interest you didn’t know you even had, I’ve put together a comprehensive guide to getting started.
Why are people into chastity?
For some, the appeal of chastity lies in giving up control and ownership of not only their genitals but of their whole selves.
“I’ve always found the idea of giving up control to others to be very enticing,” says Toby, a trans man in the chastity community who asked to be referred to by first name only to protect his privacy. After first researching dom/sub dynamics, Toby stumbled upon chastity and immediately knew he was into it.
“The control aspect is the biggest factor to me … the idea of no longer having full ownership over your own being,” Toby says. “I am a very self-conscious person, so giving up that control allowed me to get out of my own head a bit.”
For keyholders, the pleasure can come from controlling another person. TS, a non-binary dom and sadomasochist, says, “I like the idea that I can make someone sexually frustrated and desperate or needy beyond measure. It’s beautiful to see. Satisfaction is in my hands and my hands alone.”
Do you have to have a penis to practise chastity?
Chastity isn’t just for people with penises. While cages and other chastity devices are mostly aimed at cis men and people with penises, there are devices made for people with vaginas. There are even some people who are making devices specifically for trans men and non-binary people, like Emma’s Place and Najra’s Room.
Why are some trans women into chastity?
Trans women sometimes have an extra reason for being drawn to chastity: alleviation of gender dysphoria.
For trans women who feel dysphoria when they get an erection, chastity can be a sexy way to prevent that from happening. Others say that they like being caged because it means the part of their body that causes the most dysphoria will not be getting any attention during sex. They can have sex for hours, and their genitals don’t even begin to factor in. Still others like how it depersonalizes genitals. Your penis is no longer your penis; it belongs to your keyholder. Other trans women also like how cages look. Pink is a very popular colour for cages, and many are designed to look feminine and cute!
What material should I choose for my cage?
Silicone, plastic and stainless steel are the three most popular materials for chastity devices, and each has its own benefits and drawbacks.
Plastic is the most beginner-friendly material as it’s usually the cheapest—so many people start there. Plastic cages can be more irritating to skin, however, and are more breakable—so they usually aren’t recommended for long-term play. Over time, plastic can absorb bacteria and odour, crack, warp or even break.
Silicone cages are easy to put on and to clean. They also have a comfortable, skin-friendly texture and are lightweight. However, some people don’t like the look, and they too can warp over time.
Stainless steel has a classic look, and many people love the weight as a constant reminder that the cage is there. That said, some people may find the heavier, unforgiving material difficult to sleep in or wear 24/7.
How can I pick the right cage for me?
When picking out a cage, size and fit are paramount for safe and sustainable play. While you want to feel constricted by your cage, you shouldn’t feel numbness, cut-off circulation or get any raw skin from chafing.
This can involve some trial and error; as Toby tells me, “It seems like a pretty universal experience to find out your first cage sucks. But when you find the right cage, it can change your life.”
It may seem intuitive to buy a cage that is larger than your penis, so that it has some space to grow when you’re aroused, but that actually makes daily wear and sleeping less comfortable—and causes arousal to be more painful. It can also make using the washroom trickier. Instead, you should measure your flaccid penis and subtract about a quarter to half an inch to figure out your cage length. Measure on the top of your penis, from the base to tip, and try it a few times to make sure to account for any fluctuations. Fitting the cock ring can be a little more complicated. Again, you want to make sure the ring is snug, but is not cutting off circulation.
If you don’t have a penis and you’re looking into chastity belts, things like waist and hip measurement, crotch length and crotch height may come into play more than actual genital size. Fancy Steel has some pretty comprehensive measuring guides for different types of belts and devices. Some people on T may experience bottom growth, and in that case, will need to do a similar measurement to those with other types of penises.
What should I discuss beforehand with my keyholder?
Your keyholder is your dom or domme, so figuring out your dynamic is essential to safe play. Conversations must be had about limits, goals, likes, dislikes, safe words and potential situations that would end a scene. As with other kinks, communication is key (pun intended).
“Lay out what you want to get out of it: What are your limits? What is an acceptable emergency to remove the cage? Who is allowed to remove it at all? When is the sub allowed out of the cage, and are they allowed to cum in the cage if they are able to do so? There are so many things that are worth talking about,” TS says. “Even if you think you know what the other person wants, it doesn’t hurt to talk anyway.”
You should also make sure to discuss aftercare with your keyholder. Aftercare can involve time out of your cage, cuddling, resting and even cleaning. Some like to take their cages off for sleeping as a method of aftercare.
How can I stay safe and clean while locked?
Hygiene and safety are important if you want to be caged for a long time. All cages need to be removed in order to be fully cleaned. Some need to be removed every time you clean your genitals, while others are built in such a way that you can use a removable shower head or squeeze bottle with soapy water to do some cleaning while caged. Due to the materials used, most cages don’t have the highest cleaning needs, but you should clean it at least once a week. Regardless, make sure to take off your cage if you notice any chafing, open sores or strange scents.
Shaving or removing pubic hair can help to prevent chafing and buildup of sweat, but for those who like a little hair, as long as you can keep things trimmed and regularly cleaned, you’ll be fine. The other important thing to remember is to use lube or lotion on the cock ring, especially when wearing long-term.
Any final tips for beginners?
One of the most commonly shared pieces of advice from chastity veterans is to start slow.
Once you find the right cage, it can be tempting to dive into a 24/7 dynamic or see how many days you can stay caged, but that’s not usually realistic. Instead, longtime chastity users say that you should build up your time in the cage, and don’t be afraid to stop or slow down at any point. It’s okay if 24/7 remains a fantasy.
At the beginning, you may want to start with just an hour or two in the cage. If things are going well, you can progress daily by going to five to seven hours, then morning to night, then you can move on to overnight. You can also take it slower, spending several days at each phase.
Make sure to pay attention as your time in your cage increases. If there is pinching or chafing or you realize your cage doesn’t fit, don’t force it. It might take some time to find the right cage for you!
