Hookup culture is, rightfully, losing its stigma: TikToks where people share their hookup stories routinely go viral, and group chats are filled with gritty details of what exactly happened last night. Culturally, we’re getting better at talking, shame-free, about casual sex. But we still often fall behind when it comes to discussing one of the less sexy aspects of hookups: sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and how to prevent them.
 

A 2021 study from a Kennesaw State University researcher, for example, revealed that the shame and stigma surrounding STIs still prevents young adults, ages 18-25, from discussing the topic openly, thus creating an unnecessary feeling of isolation. The study found when young adults talk to members of their community about their testing habits, or even their results, it leaves them feeling like they’ll be judged by this community.
 

Despite the stigma, STIs are not an uncommon part of sexual life. The World Health Organization (WHO) says over one million STIs are acquired worldwide on a daily basis in people 15-49 years old. Éric Charette, director of development at Prelib, a Montreal-based STI screening centre, says learning to have frank, stigma-free discussions with partners about STIs is crucial, no matter how casual our connections are. Talking to a partner about testing positive for an STI is a sign of care for everyone’s health, and helps to make the topic of STIs less taboo. “You say it because you care for the other person, you want them to get treated too,” he says.
 

Still, many of us find disclosure difficult. Charette says this hesitancy is the result of a lack of education on sexual health. It may also result from the fact that people have different backgrounds and histories, which can shape a person’s attitude about sex. “Not everyone has the same knowledge, not everyone has the same attitude toward sexual health. A lot of people still associate it with culpability.”

 

Jazmine George, National Awareness program manager at the Canadian Foundation for AIDS Research (CANFAR), says approaching the subject with vulnerability, and removing the shame over STIs from the conversation is the easiest way to go about it. She says that talking about STIs more openly should be normalized, “as it helps protect everyone when we feel safe sharing our sexual health status.”
 

George says that some of the shame surrounding STIs can come from the fear that we’ve done something wrong or have compromised a partner’s health by transmitting one. She says this isn’t really the case: “Most STIs have a cure or are treatable.”
 

If you test positive and need to tell a partner about it, try to be as frank as possible. Talking in person might be best if the two of you have an emotional or longer-term connection. Finding a space where everyone is comfortable meeting is a good first step into the conversation.
 

No matter where you choose to talk, you should approach the conversation in a collaborative way, rather than an accusatory one. Try to keep a calm, level tone, and avoid blaming the other person, or making assumptions about their sexual history. It’s not necessary to dissect who passed the infection to whom—especially if each individual involved has multiple partners. What matters is that everyone knows or finds out their status, and can get treatment or inform other partners if necessary. 

Reassuring your partner that STIs are treatable, and most symptoms are manageable can also help everyone feel more comfortable. 
 

During your conversation, tell your partner exactly what you’ve tested positive for, and when you got tested. You might let them know whether there were other partners involved, and what symptoms you might be feeling. If it feels right, you can also tell your partner where you got tested, or offer to help them get access to testing of their own.
 

George says that what you choose to share is entirely up to you, and telling your partner your status and that you’ll begin treatment is as much as you need to say.
 

Sometimes an in-person chat is overkill—a simple text message can work just fine for more casual connections. As with in-person conversations, though, your text should be detailed enough to convey the info the recipient needs in order to get their own test or care. And it never hurts to be mindful of when you send your message—no one likes to get significant news in the middle of a stressful workday. 
 

If your partner reacts strongly to the news, George says the first priority is to assess your own safety, and remove yourself from the situation if necessary. She suggested having a friend on standby to call you with an “urgent” need, if the conversation is being held in person. It’s also fair to end a phone or text conversation if it feels like you’re not being respected, she says.
 

She also notes that talking about STIs doesn’t have to start after a positive test—you can always talk to your partners before you even hook up. Asking a potential partner when they last got tested, and sharing your testing history in a direct and non-judgmental way that can become a regular part of your safer-sex practices.
 

“For a while you have to almost train yourself, or get comfortable,” says George. But it can easily become a healthy habit. “Safer sex plays such a vital part in your life, you realize how important it is to have this conversation with your friends, your partners.”
 

George says that for the LGBTQ2S+ community, protecting our health is crucial—and we have a history that proves we are good at it.

“We’ve had to put out so much of ourselves to choose our identities, to stand in truth of who we are, whether that’s through sexuality or identity,” she says. “Sexual health is also an integral part of that identity.”
 

*This story was fact checked by one of Script’s fact checkers